and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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