there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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