She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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