somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
