Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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