Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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