Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
