Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
