just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He has the fingertips of a God
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