drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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