put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
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