On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
