Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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