I met the friendliest cop last night
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
