I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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