You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
