Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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