Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
