The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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