Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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