so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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