So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
