i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
