u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
