I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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