There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
