And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
