I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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