I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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