I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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