so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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