man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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