but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
