1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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