I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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