I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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