the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
