He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
