I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
