I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
