never play flip cup with pint glasses
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
