She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Someone shattered a urinal.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
