your room smells of hookers.
And success
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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