I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
