I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
