Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
