Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
