Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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