I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
