you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
