I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
