If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
