god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
