upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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